


You won't see me fall apart ('cause I've got an elastic heart)

by Kunstpause



Series: Elastic Heart [2]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Multi, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-12 03:37:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9053644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kunstpause/pseuds/Kunstpause
Summary: “My dearest Vivienne, are you asking me to collect gossip for you?” Dorian put his full acting skills into the mockingly shocked expression on his face.“That you think this is about gossip when the fate of Thedas rests on the shoulders of our currently very on edge and sleep deprived Inquisitor is almost adorable in its naivete.” She shook her head at him again before the left the library without even saying goodbye.





	1. And I will stay up through the night

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story includes polyarmoury. Specifically a Vee (V)-constellation between the Inquisitor & Sera and the Inquisitor & Iron Bull. Not a triad (for very obvious reasons!)  
> So if that is something you are maybe not comfortable with this might not be for you.

“You know they are looking for you,” Dorian’s voice came from behind her and almost startled Amara as she was leaning against to door leading towards the great hall. 

“I know,” she sighed. “But it is early and I don’t know if I can understand the complexities of Orlesian politics before I even had breakfast.” Her whole posture screamed exhaustion and she was glad that it wasn’t Josephine who saw her in this state. The other woman had enough on her plate without worrying about someone else’s unhealthy habits.

“You look like you just took down another dragon after not sleeping for a month.” Dorian raised one eyebrow as he leaned on the balustrade next to her. “Are you alright?” He sounded concerned and Amara felt herself shrink a bit.

“I am fine, don’t worry. Just a long night.” She tried to wink at him but failed horribly when a yawn took over. “Just trying to avoid responsibilities before I’ve had food.” He nodded at her sympathetically before he gestured to the door behind him. “In that case, might I suggest the other exit?” With a grateful nod Amara rushed past him.

“You know, if you need something to help you sleep you could probably ask Solas for help. He seems to have a lot of solutions for that.” Dorian suggested behind her.

“What?” Amara spluttered. “I don’t have trouble sleeping. I sleep fine!” She tried desperately to not sound overly defensive.

He looked at her and Amara could barely suppress squirming under his gaze. “Of course not, my mistake.” He said very pointedly and his whole behaviour made it clear that he didn’t believe a single word. 

Without another look she made for the door and fled the rather uncomfortable mood of the rotunda. Dorian kept staring at the door she just left through until he heard someone clear their throat behind him.

“Fascinating,” Vivienne’s voice was a mixture of curiosity and a slight sneer. “Our dear inquisitor manages to stun you into silence I see. What a remarkable feat!” The other mage was no rare sight in the library and their conversations were usually spiked with more or less thinly veiled insults that had lost the heat behind them many months ago.

“She just lied to me.” Dorian admitted in confusion. “ We are friends, close friends I would even say and she just blatantly lied to my face.” 

Vivienne rolled her eyes at him as if it was a personal affront towards her that she had to explain this to him. “Of course she did. The dear girl is terribly embarrassed and doesn’t want you to think badly of her. I thought that was rather obvious?”

“That is ridiculous! Why should she be? She is under a lot of pressure, having trouble sleeping is nothing to be ashamed off?” He huffed. There was no way that this was the actual reason in his mind.

Vivienne only raised her eyebrows at him, waiting. When nothing more came from Dorian she sighed. “My dear, I doubt it is just bad dreams that keep her from sleeping.”

Now it was Dorian’s turn to roll his eyes. “That she should even be less ashamed of. She knows I don’t care. She could sleep her way through the entire Inquisition and I would never judge her for that.” He stated with conviction. And he meant it. What someone else did in the privacy of their bedrooms was not his concern.

“Then you, my dear Dorian, are probably a very rare exception.” Vivienne remarked with a slight hint of respect in her voice. She agreed with him in theory, but she also knew that the reality often looked quite different. 

“Do you two think it is very wise to gossip about the Inquisitor's nightly habits out here in the open where everyone could overhear?” Both of them were startled by Varric’s voice for a second. They couldn’t really disagree with him, even though there were not many people around the library this early in the morning.

“What are you even doing here Varric?” Dorian asked.

“Looking for you sparkler, things to discuss.” The dwarf stated like this was an obvious everyday occurrence.

Vivienne smiled politely and gathered the books she came for. “I will take my leave then and let you two do whatever you do.”

Before she could leave the library though Varric’s voice stopped her again. “You know, you are both wrong about her.” He stated.

“Excuse me?” Vivienne sounded like the tried to go for insulted but her curiosity shone through far to prominently. Dorian just looked at him questioningly.

Varric glanced around to make sure there were no more incidental listeners around. “She doesn’t jump from bed to bed nearly as much as you think and she doesn’t have nightmares.” He stated. The other two were looking at him like they didn’t believe him at all.

“Oh come on, can’ you see it? It is kind of obvious?” Both mages just shook their heads. It wasn’t obvious to them. 

Varric pinched his nose as he continued. “You are really not as observant as you all think you are. She *wants* you to think those things about her. Meanwhile she has never spent the entire night in someone else’s bed and if you ask the housekeepers they will tell you that the Inquisitor has never once slept in her own room either.” He looked at them like he was waiting for something.

Dorian was the first who processed the new information. “Why does she do this?” He looked at Vivienne who seemed as surprised as he was. “And where does she actually sleep?”

Varric shrugged. “Excellent questions. I am guessing the first has something to do with things we don’t know about her. And the second one neither Leliana nor me have been able to figure out yet. So your guess is as good as mine.” 

“Perhaps you should ask Sera or the Iron Bull or some of the others she associates herself with more frequently,” Vivienne suggested. “She seems very close to some of them, they might know?” 

Varric shook his head. “Our dear nightingale already tried, they said they don’t know.”

Dorian laughed loudly at this. “Of course they did. Have you met Sera? Do you honestly think she would give our spymaster or even Cullen or Cassandra an honest answer?”

“She is deeply troubled when it comes to authority.” Vivienne agreed and Varric scoffed. “Well, that is one way of putting it.”

“I’ll ask them,” Dorian decided. “At least one of them might be much more open to talk about this to me than to any of our dear leaders.”

This time it was Varric’s turn to laugh. “And we all know who that one is and why…” He smirked. 

Vivienne looked thoughtfully at him. “Be that as it may he is right - he might actually the best person to ask.” She ignored Dorian’s shocked gasp. “Do tell us if you find out something useful please.” She added.

“My dearest Vivienne, are you asking me to collect gossip for you?” Dorian put his full acting skills into the mockingly shocked expression on his face.

“That you think this is about gossip when the fate of Thedas rests on the shoulders of our currently very on edge and sleep deprived Inquisitor is almost adorable in its naivete.” She shook her head at him again before the left the library without even saying goodbye.

“You know,” Dorian mused to the dwarf beside him, “I almost think she actually cares.” 

He was surprised when Varric slapped him on the back with a laugh. “You are only figuring that out now?”


	2. Let's be clear, I won't close my eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sera nodded emphatically. “I can vouch for that!” She took another large swing of her drink.  
> “Actually, you can’t - you were passed out under that table over there.” Came Harding’s voice from her left.

“Dorian!” The Iron Bull roared through the entire tavern. “Join us!” He was surrounded by most of the chargers, Scout Harding and Sera. The music was lively and Dorian assumed the drinks had been flowing for quite a while already. He made his way through the other patrons until he was at the large table.

“Back for another round so soon?” Bull joked and did his terrible imitation of a wink that really lost all it’s meaning with only one eye. He seemed unconcerned by that though.

“Yeah, didn’t I see you leave this place only a couple of hours ago?” Sera chimed in. Her wink being much more pronounced. 

Not for the first time Dorian was glad he had gotten used to the more brash and direct ways of both of them. “As tempting an offer this is, I actually need to talk to you.” He smiled his most winning smile as he addressed the Iron Bull. “It is about the Inquisitor."

Bull put his drink down and looked serious for a moment. “Hey whatever you heard it is just rumours! There has been nothing going on but heavy, almost filthy amounts of drinking that night and she left on her own two feet!” 

Sera nodded emphatically. “I can vouch for that!” She took another large swing of her drink.

“Actually, you can’t - you were passed out under that table over there.” Came Harding’s voice from her left. 

“Maybe,” Sera reluctantly agreed, “but I was there in spirit!” She snorted loudly and for a moment Dorian was afraid that there would be ale coming out of her nose. “She elbowed Bull into the side but Dorian strongly suspected that he didn’t even notice her tiny elbow. “Get it?” She giggled. “In spirit!!!” He couldn’t really help but laugh along. Her own amusement over her accidental pun was infectious.

After the general laughter had subsided Dorian focused his attention on the Iron Bull again. “It is a bit more serious than that. If you have a moment?”

Bull’s expression changed from amused and slightly drunk to very serious in an instant. “Of course.” When he stood up everyone moved out of his way instinctively. “Coming through.” He shouted playfully. A few chairs were shuffled over the floor as the rest of the group went back to the drinking game Dorian accidentally interrupted.

“Where to?” Bull asked. Dorian was glad that the other obviously understood this to be a private matter.

“Somewhere we won’t be overheard preferably. The Battlements?” He suggested. Bull only nodded and made his way out of the crowded place. Dorian followed him quickly. For each of Bull’s strides he had to do at least two steps to keep up. He briefly wondered if that would look comical to people watching just before he decided that he really didn’t care. They didn’t talk while walking. Not until they had reached their destination. Right in front of one of the unused towers on the battlements they stopped. 

“Alright,” Bull wasted no time. “Out with it, what is the matter with her?” 

Dorian was glad he didn’t have to tiptoe around and make small talk first. Talking to the Iron Bull was surprisingly easy and refreshingly direct.

“She is not well and something weird is going on.” Dorian wasn’t sure how much Bull knew and noticed. The Qunari’s face gave nothing away.

“Not well and something weird is going on has been the general state since Haven though.” Bull was still waiting for Dorian to get to the point.

“True. But beside the point. She is not sleeping and in debating how we could help her we realised something odd going on.” The Iron Bull looked at him questioningly. He didn’t say anything but Dorian could guess what he wanted to know.

“We being Vivienne, Varric and myself. Leliana probably too.” He explained. “According to Leliana everyone she spends her evenings with assumes she just goes back to her room to sleep. But according to our dear Ambassador she has not slept in her room even once.”

“So where does she sleep?” Bull still sounded casual but Dorian knew he was paying attention now. Something about his posture had changed ever so slightly and for a moment Dorian wondered when they had gotten close enough for him to notice. Or for Bull to be so relaxed around him that he let him notice. An annoying question that he could think about another time he decided.

“That is the odd thing, no one knows. And it can not be somewhere comfortable or much sleep in general for her because she looks like she could fall asleep mid-fight most days now.” With a frown he remembered the training session he walked by this afternoon. That former Templar Amara liked to spar with, Belinda something, nearly ran her through with her sword by accident. Amara had been unusually sluggish during their training and kept staring into the distance at the most inopportune times.

“Does Red have someone following her at night?” Bull’s question ripped him out of his thoughts and he shook his head. “I think that would not go over well with Amara and Leliana knows that.”

“You are all mighty daft sometimes!” Startled by Sera’s voice he jumped a step sideways. Bull didn’t move a muscle and seemed entirely unperturbed as Dorian cursed. “Kaffas, where did you come from?”

Sera had the nerve to look at him as if he was the odd one. “Duh, from right behind. You said all the stuff ‘bout Tadwinks, can’t blame me for following really.”

Dorian had his breathing back under control. “I guess not.” He conceded. He looked accusingly at Bull. “As a spy weren’t you supposed to notice that we were being followed though? Or are you one of the not particularly good ones?”

The Iron Bull just laughed at that. “You mean you didn’t know she was right behind us? I assumed she was supposed to be here, left the Tavern together with us.”

Sera nodded emphatically. “Wasn't like I was sneaking around or something! I just walked after you. It’s not my fault you were looking somewhere else…” She sent an obvious leer in Dorian’s direction who tried to cover his beginning blush with a cough.

“Alright alright, point taken.” He cleared his throat and pointedly ignored both Bull’s and Sera’s matching grins. “Please then, enlighten us. What obvious thing are we missing?”

Sera rolled her eyes dramatically. “That she isn’t like you. Or Bull. Or anyone here really. She lived kinda like I did, but with more darkness. Way more darkness” The two men were just looking at her as if they were waiting for her words to make sense to them. 

“Thing is: when you’re used to something it’s hard givin’ it up, right? Can’t live without it. Everything feels wrong. Especially when it was dark and muddy and now is all pretty and bright.” She was gesturing widely as she talked and Dorian took a cautious step back to not accidentally get hit in the face. “I’m sayin’ a hovel, dark corners and stale food? That’s real. Familiar. A comfy bed behind sturdy walls in a friggin castle? Unreal. Will always feel wrong.” 

Dorian was frowning as he shook his head. “I am afraid I still don’t quite understand.” Next to him the Iron Bull was just silently listening, his face giving nothing away.

Sera scoffed. “You really have no idea what her life was like before huh? Not the tiniest? The mighty Inquisitor you all keep looking at, and no one looks at the woman. But I guess that’s how she likes it. Keeps everyone away and herself safe.” Sera sounded a bit like she just realised the last bit herself.

“Safe from what exactly?” Dorian was still trying to follow but he felt like he was missing a piece of the puzzle.

“People of course! There are all sorts of them. Never know when you get a good one or when you’ll stumble about the foul apple in the bunch.” Sera explained, slowing down her words like she was talking to a small child. “Look, if she didn’t tell? Means she doesn’t want people to know. Lots of things done to her she wants to forget. Pretty certain she did something too. Feels mighty bad about whatever it is. Stuff like that? Leaves you with no trust.” She sounded almost a little sad as she continued. “Like, take us for instance. Sure we do things. She told everyone that matters we do. We laugh, we fuck, we bake cookies and play pranks. But after? She has to leave. No choice really. Wouldn’t sleep even the little she does if she stayed.”

Dorian was perplexed. “You mean she is afraid of actually sleeping next to someone? This is what this is about? Simply sleeping?”

Sera almost sneered at him. “Got it that quick did you! But is nothing simple about it really. It’s hard! Guessing she doesn’t like sleeping where all of Skyhold expects her to be either.” 

Dorian was still making sense of this when Bull spoke up next to him. “Her room. Of course. It’s strategic. Don’t be where an enemy would expect you. Keep your rest location a secret. So no one can sneak up on you.” There were no indications of his own feelings on the matter in his voice until he continued. “I’ve seen this before. In Qunari who came back from Seheron.”

“You know something that could help?” Dorian asked tentatively. He was at a complete loss about what to do in such a situation.

“Yes when it comes to my people. For her? Neither her nor any of you would like that.” Bull seemed to be in deep thought, his eyes focused on something invisible in the distance. 

“Well, think of something then!” Sera prodded. “Can’t have my girlfriend falling off the roof because she’s tired all the time.” Her words sounded like her usual brash self but both Dorian and the Iron bull could hear to worry she had for Amara in her voice.

“I will think of something.” Bull promised her and made his way towards the stairs downwards. “Let’s get back before they come looking for us and we have to spin a scandalous story to explain why we are up here.” He suggested and the other two followed him directly. 

Sera snickered at that. “Pah, you two are probably the best liars around ‘cept for Varric, you could make up a good one! Hey, that’s a compliment!” The last bit went towards Dorian who already looked like he wanted to protest. But there was something he still wanted to know ever since Amara had first mentioned it to him.

“Why do you even meet up on the roof all the time if it is that dangerous?”

Sera stuck her tongue out and started running down the stairs yelling. “Because the ground is full of people asking stupid questions!”


	3. And I know that I can survive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How ‘grand’ can this game of yours really be,” Amara asked in a hushed tone as they snuck through the servant quarters and the kitchens a short while later, “were are literally sneaking through dirt. Nothing grand about that at all.” 
> 
> Vivienne didn’t seem offended at all as she replied. “My dear that is of course part of it. The less enjoyable part, but no less a part after all.”
> 
> Amara sneered. “So tell me, what is the enjoyable part then? The stealing? The breaking in? The lying or the assassination we are deliberating?” She almost forgot to keep her voice down for a moment. “Come on, someone tell me. I was promised a game so where is the actual fun?”

Halamshiral. Everything Amara had heard about Orlais before did not prepare her for the actual reality of it. She had spent entire evenings listening to Leliana explaining the intricacies of the grand game to her. The basics seemed not much different than the things she had experienced in Wycome but the scale of it was something she didn’t fully grasp until she had set foot into the Winter Palace for the first time and had to fight down the urge to simply excuse herself and climb out of the nearest window. She knew what they were doing was important but that night had not just made her understand just how much rested on her shoulders, it had hammered it home with the biggest tools it could find. 

The trip through Orlais had been mostly lighthearted and almost relaxing. Everyone was in a good mood and Amara only later realised that not all of her travelling companions had a clear picture of what would actually happen and be required in their head. Sera had boldly stated she was just here for the alcohol and the dancing and Amara playfully agreed. Vivienne had launched into a lengthy lecture about the importance of manners that Sera interrupted with as many fart noises as possible. Bull hadn’t said much while they were travelling except the occasional joke with Sera and a few well placed yes ma’am’s whenever Vivienne asked something of him. It had been such a calm trip that Amara felt that should have tipped her off. But for once she was enjoying the company more than worrying about every little detail. 

In retrospect worrying wouldn’t have helped her at all. The things that overwhelmed her were things she couldn’t even fight. All the spy games she had been playing back home in Wycome paled in contrast to the court of Empress Celene and the machinations surrounding her. Even though she had heard very mixed things about him the Grand Duke himself proved to be a beacon of normalcy for her all through the night. Just knowing that he detested all of this as much as she did helped her calm down a bit. She had been ready to force every competing party to sit down together and make them work out their differences by force if necessary. But the more the night progressed and the more information rolled down on her the more complex the picture got and Amara quietly wished she could be anywhere else but here not for the first time since she joined the Inquisition. She had talked to servants and nobles alike, all through the evening. Regularly seeking out Sera for some much needed direct conversation. 

Not for the first time Amara questioned her capability of making sound decisions when the later part of the evening found her, Bull, Sera and even Vivienne sneaking through obviously closed off parts of the palace to find something they could use against anyone really. All the high aspirations of diplomacy had gone out of the window when Leliana, Josephine and even Cullen asked her to dig up dirt. Something bitter lodged itself into Amara’s throat as she looked into the eager faces of her three advisers. “So much for being better than whomever was in power before,” she quietly spat as she stalked out of the ballroom with her companions in tow. Vivienne’s try at another explanation of the grand game fell on deaf ears. 

“How ‘grand’ can this game of yours really be,” Amara asked in a hushed tone as they snuck through the servant quarters and the kitchens a short while later, “were are literally sneaking through dirt. Nothing grand about that at all.” 

Vivienne didn’t seem offended at all as she replied. “My dear that is of course part of it. The less enjoyable part, but no less a part after all.”

Amara sneered. “So tell me, what is the enjoyable part then? The stealing? The breaking in? The lying or the assassination we are deliberating?” She almost forgot to keep her voice down for a moment. “Come on, someone tell me. I was promised a game so where is the actual fun?”

Something in her voice almost cracked and Vivienne only shook her head quietly. “Darling you are letting the stress get to you, that is not really healthy.” 

Amara saw red for a moment. Every bit of her body tensed up and she took a deep breath as if to yell at the other woman when a large hand was put on her shoulder and pressed down briefly. When she looked over her shoulder Bull was right behind her, looking down at her intensely. He didn’t say a word but Amara got the meaning. Not here. Not now. There was too much at stake. She let out all the air in a quiet sigh and forced her shoulders to relax. Bull’s hand was still on her shoulder, heavy and strangely comforting. As if it was the physical reminder of her not being alone in this. She nodded at him and he took a step back and let go of her. 

“You are right, I am.” She said towards Vivienne reluctantly. She knew the other woman was right about that but that wasn’t all. But she couldn’t very well say more about the topic and her feelings about it without revealing more than she was comfortable with. All this reminded her too much of her old life. The backstabbing, the violence, the hiding in the shadows and the complete lack of remorse for destroying entire lives at a whim. And to hear the Orlisians call it a ‘game’ on top of it. No, Amara would never quite understand this aspect. She wasn’t sure she even wanted to.

But as much as she detested it, after quite a bit more sneaking around they had found what they were looking for. And then some. Amara almost felt sick with the knowledge that what she held in her hands could make or break and entire empire. If she had ever been looking for a reason to feel exceptionally small she had found it on this night in dark bedrooms and libraries inside this palace made of gold. 

When they were debating what to do with the knowledge she had found Leliana avoided everyone’s eyes before she suggested the thing that unsettled almost their entire group. “Perhaps we should let Celene die…” their spy master had suggested as if she was talking about what cake to pick for desert. And while everyone was quietly arguing he eyes found and never left Amara who stared back almost as intensely. 

For a small moment Amara was almost shocked by Leliana’s suggestion until she noticed the look she gave her. And in that moment the question about just how much Leliana might know about who Amara was before the Inquisition, before the Dalish, was answered. Amara wished a fade rift would open below her and swallow her whole for a moment. But Leliana didn’t look at her with any signs of visible judgement in her eyes. This wasn’t a test. She didn’t suggest it to get some proof of character. Amara could see clearly that her spy master actually thought this was their best shot. And even though every bit of the person she had become over the past five years protested inside of her she heard herself agree out loud. She avoided looking at Sera, Josephine and Vivienne’s shocked faces as she turned towards Leliana and Cullen. “I agree. Let her die and someone else take the throne.” Her voice sounded stoic and assured. The opposite of how she was feeling inside. 

The politics and the intrigue had thrown her off all night but for the first time that day she felt calm. The finer parts of the grand game were not for her. But this? This was familiar. This felt like home. And the emotions that came with it were something she knew she could deal with. She felt her usual detachment settling in. As if in the moment she decided on murder Celene ceased to be an actual person to her in her mind and became a target. Amara had no emotional attachments towards a target. Like a bow or a dagger it was simply just there, not evoking any reaction at all anymore. She noticed that Sera war trying to give her a piece of her mind but Amara didn’t hear a single word she said until the other elf seemed to give up in frustration and stomped away. ‘Later’ Amara thought as she went with Leliana over their newly formed plan for the night. She didn’t notice how both Bull and Vivienne were watching her curiously. She didn’t see flash of understanding going over Bull’s face for a moment. All that mattered now was their plan. Sticking to the plan.

Two hours, a dead Empress and a disgraced Duchess later Orlais had a new ruler. And a new puppet master to pull his strings. Sera had appeared again and Amara managed to get out something like an apology for ignoring her earlier but Sera didn’t seem to care all that much anymore. It all turned out fine after all, right? Amara didn’t understand just how Sera’s mind worked sometimes but given that she didn’t understand her own most of the time she was probably not in a position to judge. She had retreated out onto one of the balconies and was watching the quiet and dark trees in the distance slightly moving in the evening breeze. The entire day felt hazy to her. Almost unreal but the celebration inside and the nobles still paying their new Emperor their respects reminded her that all of this had been very real indeed. Sera was leaning next to her and was trying to lift her mood with funny anecdotes about people misstepping on the dance floor. Amara smiled slightly as she grasped Sera’s hand. “Dance with me!” She insisted.

Sera said something about stepping on her toes but with a lot of laughter agreed as Amara pulled her close. They slowly swayed to the music that came softly through the open windows of the ballroom and as Sera kissed her softly under the moonlight for a moment Amara felt a little less like another part of herself had died today.


	4. I'll walk through fire to save my life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You want to hold a conquest boasting contest? I think there is a betting pool about that already going somewhere in Skyhold.” Bull remarked. In fact, he had suspected Krem and Luka, the dwarven woman that hung out with them during their evenings whenever she was in Skyhold to be two of the main instigators of that particular betting pool.
> 
> “Oh I know it is,” Amara confessed. “I had Sera bet quite a bit of money on myself.” Her eyes were full of mischief. “But we can stand here talking or we could start making some actual notches into my bedposts.”

Amara slowly made her way up towards her room. They had come back from Orlais in the early afternoon and even though she had wanted nothing more than to fall asleep on the spot there were a hundred requests being thrown at her the moment they entered Skyhold. She had spent the remainder of the day running back and forth, trying to solve as many issues as possible. Things had piled up while she was away and it certainly hadn’t helped that she had taken Leliana, Josephine and Cullen with her to Halamshiral. Cassandra had done an admirable job in their absence but she could see the relief on the other woman’s when she reported on everything that had been going on and effectively transferred leadership back to her. Cassandra was good at keeping order but she hated being in charge of people. Perhaps that was why she was so good at it, Amara mused not for the first time. 

After finally being done for the day she had taken a long bath and put on fresh clothes. After so many days on the road with only lakes to wash in and sleeping in tents every night she had been looking forward to this every day they were travelling. She still wasn’t used to all the luxuries around her, but being clean was comfort she had little trouble getting used to and that she missed dearly when on the road again. She had planned to spend some time in the tavern and relax before finding a place to sleep tonight when Krem informed her, that the Iron Bull had gone to talk to her. Suspecting that he might have been looking for her in her room she went back to Skyhold’s main building. Climbing up the stars she noticed her exhaustion coming back full time. With every step her legs were definitely trying to kill her a bit more.

Amara opened the door to her room and walked up the small stairway at it’s side. She didn’t know if it was a testament to just how exhausted she was or rather a show of his skills that she didn’t actually see the Iron Bull sit in her room before he started talking. She flinched barely noticeable when his voice came from behind her.

“So listen, I’ve caught the hints. I get what you are saying.” He sounded very deliberate. “You want to ride the bull.”

Amara just stared at him for a moment, her eyes being almost comically big before she broke down in an uncontrollable fit of laughter. “You did not just say that…” She was almost wheezing and through the tears in her eyes she could see a rather amused expression on his face as well. “Does that line actually work?” She had to lean against the wall, her shoulders still shaking,

Bull sounded definitely not insulted as he laughed along. “It usually either gets people all hot and bothered or makes them laugh. Both are results I can work with.” 

“And here I was thinking my flirting had gone unnoticed. Or that I wasn’t obvious enough.” She was slowly getting her breath back under control. Briefly she wondered when the last time was that she was laughing this hard. It must have been even before the whole trip to Orlais. Far too long.

“Don’t worry you were plenty obvious.” He winked at her. Or maybe he had just been blinking. She could never tell. “Can’t say I blame you. But I’m not sure you know what you are asking. Not sure if you’re ready for it.” 

Amara wasn’t entirely sure what exactly he was getting at but right in this moment she couldn’t care less. “You make it sound like I am going to take a test. In which case I can say: I have practised a lot!” She put on her best cocky grin and heard him chuckle in response.

“You want to hold a conquest boasting contest? I think there is a betting pool about that already going somewhere in Skyhold.” Bull remarked. In fact, he had suspected Krem and Luka, the dwarven woman that hung out with them during their evenings whenever she was in Skyhold to be two of the main instigators of that particular betting pool.

“Oh I know it is,” Amara confessed. “I had Sera bet quite a bit of money on myself.” Her eyes were full of mischief. “But we can stand here talking or we could start making some actual notches into my bedposts.”

Bull gave said bedposts a quick once-over as if to evaluate the actual validity of her suggestion. “See, you say that, but… You really don’t know what that means.” He had stepped closer to her, stopping only when she was directly in front of him. Usually Amara wasn’t all that comfortable with people who towered over her. Everyone who seemed even slightly physically imposing was someone she tended to be weary and very careful about. With Bull those worries didn’t even register. After months of fighting, drinking and having each other’s backs in almost too many situations to even count anymore she had slowly learned to trust him. So where she usually would sidestep and avoid she felt only excitement instead of worry for once.

“So why don’t you show me?” She asked with the most winning smile at her disposal.

Bull closed the gap between them, taking her wrists in one of his hands, slowly raising them above her head and pinning her against the wall. “Last chance,” he murmured.

Amara’s eyebrows raised up as she felt herself shiver. ‘If this were anyone else’ flashed through her head with a mild feeling of uneasiness. But it wasn’t. It was Bull, her friend. One of the very few people in her life she actually trusted. The feeling went away as quickly as it had come and a slow smile spread over her face. Her voice dropped into her best bedroom register. “For what? Requests?” She asked teasingly. “A little slower and a lot harder.”

He gave her a fond look before he closed that last bit of space between them and their lips finally touched. She didn’t know what she had expected but this wasn’t it. First kisses, in her experience, were usually far from perfect. But Bull kissed her like he knew her already. And maybe he did, Amara thought. And for a moment the thought didn’t seem as frightening anymore.


	5. I've got a thick skin and an elastic heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Power and control sound like very useful things to have.” She was aware that she sounded a bit defensive and she was sure he noticed too. 
> 
> “They are. Take being in power over being without it any day.” He agreed. She could sense that that was not all he was going to say. And as if right on cue he went on. “If being in control and in power is the only thing you CAN be without it breaking you though, that is more of a hindrance than help don’t you think?”

When Amara woke up it was almost completely dark in her room. She had had that dream again. The one that she had almost every night. It was just her trying to cross a lake. Sometimes she felt like she knew the place, other times it was just a random area with water. And every time she was half way through the lake she felt the water in her lungs. Never even having had her head underwater. And every time she started drowning was when she would wake up. She wouldn’t say it was a nightmare per se. Nightmares scared her, had her heart beat faster. This dream didn’t. She wasn’t afraid on the lake. She wanted to make it to the other side but every time the water took her breath away she felt herself calmly accepting it. There was no terror or struggling. Just acceptance and then a cold and dark nothing. She had long stopped waking from it with a start. Instead she woke gradually as if from a deep and relaxing slumber. 

For a few seconds she was blissfully unaware of her surroundings as she comfortably stretched underneath the thick blanket that covered her. She relished the feeling of being sore in the best way possible before something gave her pause. Before everything gave her pause. She was in her room. Alone. In the dark. With a sharpness in her movement that hurt her overexercised muscles she scrambled up into a sitting position. Grabbing one of the sheets to hold closely to her naked form she desperately tried to see her room clearer. There was only a very dim light coming from somewhere on the other side of the room and it did little to help her see. Sheer panic set in as she took in her situation. 

She tried to calm herself but what had been a pleasant memory to wake up to turned into something twisted in her panicked state. She tried to hold on to the clear and comfortable memories. He had done nothing she didn’t ask for. He had helped her relax. She hadn’t been hurt. And she had participated enthusiastically. But part of her screamed at herself inside her head. She had given over control. She had let him hold her down and enjoyed it. Had enjoyed being being completely physically helpless. But she had trusted him not to hurt her and now every alarm bell in her head rang loudly at the same time. Drowning her in her own fears. Years of learning how to be on her guard at all times, thrown out in a heartbeat because she had felt safe for a moment. She remembered when she had last felt this safe. Her stomach lurched and for a moment she was afraid she was going to throw up. 

Amara must have made a noise in her distress because the light suddenly started moving towards her. With a small cry of anguish she struggled to get untangled from the sheets and blankets on her. She stumbled out of the bed, clutching one of the sheets still to her. A sharp pain on her hip made her let out a small yell as she bumped into the nightstand in her rush. She felt trapped. For months she had avoided this room like the plague and now it felt like her worst nightmares came true. She was alone in a room with too many doors and windows to be safely guarded, naked, a person between her and the balcony that was far too high up to jump from anyways. Someone was speaking calmly to her but she couldn’t make out what they were saying over the sound of her own unsteady breathing. 

She had somehow ended up with her back in the corner of her dresser and her arms flung around herself. From the corner of her eye she saw the light being put down on her nightstand. The voice was still speaking, much closer this time. Bits and pieces of sentences made it through to her now. “You are safe. No one can get in here. You are not alone.” When she looked up she could make out the Iron Bull’s form through her tears, crouching in front of her. A large hand was carefully and lightly placed on top of her own hands. “You are safe Amara.” He repeated.

Amara didn’t know how long she sat there, how long she was crying or how long he kept calmly talking to her until she finally felt she could breathe again. She dimly noted that, while he was in front of her he had crouched down in a way that wouldn’t trap her in the corner if she felt like running away. He hadn’t try to move or touch her other than holding her hands to calm her down. Hadn’t raised his voice to get through to her either. She was incredibly grateful but at the same time didn’t know how she should react now that it was over. Panic attacks were nothing new to her. Someone being there and not making it worse or simply leaving was something entirely new on the other hand. She took a deep breath an winced. Half her body was hurting. She wasn’t sure how many more things than just she had hit in her panic without really noticing. 

“Are you back with me, boss?” She heard him ask and she nodded carefully.

“I think so, yes.” She croaked. She had to clear her throat several times before her voice felt like her own again. 

He held his hand out in front of her. “Want to get up and somewhere more comfortable?” She appreciated that he didn’t just pull her up but let her choose instead. She took his hand and let him help her up. A wave of dizziness washed over her and she was grateful that he steadied her like she weighed nothing at all to him. Bull took the sheet that was now lying next to her and carefully wrapped it around her shoulders before he led her back to the bed to sit down on. A glass of water was suddenly in front of her. “Here, drink something.” He encouraged her. It was only after the first sip she realised how thirsty she was and she wondered again just how long that episode had lasted. And she wondered one other thing.  
“You stayed here all night?” It was half a question and half a statement full of surprise and disbelief. 

Bull took the empty glass out of her hand and put it back on the nightstand as he answered. “You were dead to the world earlier tonight and I didn’t want you to wake up in an unfamiliar place.” His statement was so matter of fact that it took Amara a few seconds to process what he meant.

“How did you know?” She asked and hoped he wouldn’t simply say ‘Ben-Hassrath’ like it should explain everything. It gave her more questions than answers most of the time.  
“Small hints,” he sat down in the large ornamental chair next to her bed, careful not to crowd her. “Oh, and Dorian blabbed.” He added and Amara’s eyebrows shot up. Dorian? How did he find out? Before she could wonder more about this Bull was speaking again.

“You know, I have seen things like this before.” His face was serious but the way he looked at her was full of sympathy. “If you need someone to talk to about this…” her flinching gave him pause. “It doesn’t have to be me, but you should talk to someone about this. Someone you trust.”

He didn’t seem to be put out by her reaction at all and not for the first time Amara wondered if there even was anything in Thedas that could actually get him to judge her. So far there had been nothing at all. The mere thought of having anyone else witness what he already saw about her almost made her flinch again. “I do trust you, Bull. And I feel safe around you. Otherwise last night definitely wouldn’t have happened.” 

She felt like she could see on his face that he was fully aware of the amount of trust she placed in him in the past 24 hours. Where she earlier was glad that he had given her space she now shuffled a bit closer to where he was sitting. As if reading her mind he reached out to her. Amara was still shivering but she let herself be pulled onto his lap. Strong arms carefully closed around her and held her like she was something delicate. And for the moment she actually felt alright with that.  
"I have never talked about any if this to anyone before.“ She admitted. "I don’t even know where to start."

„Wherever you want to and with whatever you feel comfortable Amara.“ The sound of his voice saying her name when he usually just called her boss was soothing and set her further at ease. She took a deep breath.

„You noticed the tattoos I guess…“ She gestured to herself as he started chucking.

„That is not a serious question right?“ His good eye was glinting mischievously.

Amara appreciated his attempt at making her smile. He had this habit were he regularly, through small things, reminded her that things were only ever as grim and serious as the allowed them to be. It had a remarkable effect on her sometimes. She couldn’t bring herself to smile but her shoulders visibly relaxed for a moment.

“I mean you’ve noticed that they are not just regular ink?” Her voice sounded a bit hesitant. “I mean, not all of them at least.” 

He nodded but kept silent, waiting for her to continue. She needed to take her time even just talking about this and her understood. Amara gave up finding the exact right words to say what she wanted to say. She took his free hand in hers and guided it to the large and colourful floral pattern on her inner thigh. Where her skin felt more like patched up leather than regular skin. “They are not really tattoos.” She explained. “I mean they are, but they were not really whimsically decorative.” 

His fingers were tracing the patterns gently as if he was exploring her for the first time. “So what happened?” He nudged her to continue talking. “What does cause this many scars?” He was asking but she strongly suspected he had a pretty clear idea of the possibilities. He was asking for her benefit as much as for his curiosity.

The points of her ears were flushed from his movements but any vaguely pleasant thought went away when she remembered. “Knives, torture, burning oil, people needing a confession regardless by whom…” Her voice sounded hoarse as if the memory of her screaming in agony was strong enough to affect it still. 

“And the flowers?” He prompted. His voice pulled her out of the memories a bit. 

“Make them almost invisible if no one is close enough. Less questions. And…” She hesitated.

“And it helps you not to see the scars everyday.” He finished her sentence and she nodded thankfully. But it seemed like his curiosity was not yet sated.

“But why flowers? And why those ones?” He asked and Amara looked at him questioningly. What did it matter? She wasn’t even entirely certain she knew that answer for herself. “I am not sure. They are pretty? My favourites, even though I don’t know what they are even called.” She looked at his scarred torso directly in front of her. “This must seem really silly to you.”

Bull shook his head and continued to softly caress her. It reminded her of how she herself would try to soothe and pet a frightened animal and given her own state at the moment that comparison was probably appropriate. 

“Not silly at all,” he told her. “You took something pretty to cover up something horrible, that is a rather normal thing to do, don’t you think?” Amara couldn’t really disagree. It made sense when he put it like that. But things were never that simple in her head somehow. Just like this entire situation she found herself in now. It felt natural to sit here like this with him. But something in her head nagged at her that it couldn’t be. Shouldn’t be. That this was not what he came here for yesterday. That for someone with her reputation sure this must have been a very disappointing night. She felt another useless sob coming up and laughed awkwardly to overplay it. 

“This is probably the opposite of what you expected last evening and I am really sorry for that.” She admitted without daring to actually look at him. His hands stopped for a second before they resumed and he shook his head. 

“Don’t do this to yourself now Amara, I promise I am here because I want to be. And you want me to be. If that changes let me know!” Again his tone didn’t leave any room for debate or doubt. Amara wondered how she trusted him so implicitly with her safety but still somehow doubted what he said sometimes. 

“Even though I promised you a great night of fun?”She prodded just to make sure.

His chuckle caught her off guard. “I didn’t come here for a wild night of fun,” she could feel him watching her carefully as he talked. “I came here for you.” Simple. Direct. Just like that. She could feel his honestly slip through her guard little by little. “You know, under the Qun, especially the Ben-Hassrath we have a saying, a philosophy if you will.” He continued. “When it is a hostile target you give them what they want. But when it’s someone you care about, you give them what they need.”

Amara’s eyebrows shot up. “And what do you think it is I want?”

Bull smiled at her as if she had just asked the most obvious question in existence. “You want to forget. You want to numb the pain or distract yourself so much from it you can pretend for a moment that it never happened.”  
For a moment a look of pure agony washed over her face. She swallowed but the lump that formed in her throat didn’t seem to disappear. Was she that transparent? Was it only him that could see or did everyone else see it too? Embarrassment spread through her and she looked down, trying to hide the rush of emotions.

“Is that so obvious?” She asked quietly.

His hand moved up to caress her cheek. “No, it isn’t. Not when you don’t know what to look for.” Relief went through her but she still hung her head. He lifted her chin up to look at him while he continued. “It is also not a bad thing. For a while at least. But something tells me you have been doing this for more than a while. And it’s not what you need right now” He looked at her with so much understanding she couldn’t even try to lie herself out of this one.

She took a deep breath before she asked her next question: “So what is it I ‘need’ in your opinion?”

“You need to let go. To find closure. Acceptance. The past is unchangeable and it is done and over. It can not hurt you anymore.” He sounded so sure that she felt like she could almost believe him. “It has no power in the present other than the one you give it, but you need to accept that it shaped you, is part of you you are.”

Amara felt her eyes water as he pulled her a bit closer to him. She knew what he said made sense. On some level it was something she had always known. Yet even thinking about some things made her almost physically recoil. “What if I don’t want it to be part of me?” She said softly. “No one would like the person that I was back then.”

With soft movements that seemed almost unexpected from someone as large as the Iron Bull he stroked through her hair as he held her. “Your past is always part of you. But that doesn’t mean it defines who you can be today.” She tried to force herself to relax her body but she still felt like a tightly strung bow, ready to fire or simply break in half - whatever came first. But Bull seemed to have all the patience and calm that she was severely lacking at this moment when he continued: “It makes you uncomfortable even thinking about it right? You need to confront it so you can put it to rest.”

Amara leaned her head against his chest to avoid looking him in the eye. “I don’t know if I can. When I think too much about it there is this feeling.” She struggled for words. “Panic, disgust, terror. I am afraid it will tear me apart and I have nothing left to glue myself back together a second time anymore.” She shivered again and she was well aware that it had nothing to do with the room temperature and everything with the icy feeling that wouldn’t let go of her heart.

“You are feeling helpless because that is what you were back then. Because things were taken from you and you weren’t in control. You weren’t powerful enough to stop things that happene back then so now you cling to your control and power to never repeat that.” Bull seemed to have it all figured out and Amara wasn’t sure if she should be reassured by that or terrified.

“Power and control sound like very useful things to have.” She was aware that she sounded a bit defensive and she was sure he noticed too. 

“They are. Take being in power over being without it any day.” He agreed. She could sense that that was not all he was going to say. And as if right on cue he went on. “If being in control and in power is the only thing you CAN be without it breaking you though, that is more of a hindrance than help don’t you think?”

Amara was quiet for a little while as she mulled what he just said over in her head. “So you think what, I need to learn to not be in control? To not have power?” The thought alone unsettled her and she was glad when he immediately shook his head.

“Not at all. You already know how that feels like. What you need is to see that there are other ways than brute force and screaming to be in control. That letting someone in does not mean giving something up.”

“How?” She was more than curious. Bull usually had a perspective that was so very different from everyone else around her, including herself. Her understanding of his culture was so limited that she usually couldn't even begin to guess where he was going with something.

“Think back of last night.” He prompted. “Something like that, but in very controlled circumstances. I think I can help you, if you want this of course. You can be sure of one thing: I will never do anything to you that you don’t want.” He seemed very adamant of making sure she believed him on this. His hands had stilled and he was looking at her like he was trying to look directly into her head. “I will never hurt you without your permission. You will always be safe with me. You give me the control you hold so dear but you will always keep the power to say no. You say the word and I’ll stop. No questions asked, no explanations needed. All you need to do is say it.” 

Amara surprised herself as she realised that the absolutely believed him when he said that. When did that happen? She wasn’t sure but she somehow had come to trust him implicitly. Briefly she wondered if that thought should scare her but when she realised it didn’t it was like something heavy had lifted off her chest.  
“So basically like Belinda going to look for small spiders during the day to get over her fear of fighting the big ones?” She asked. It had sounded like a thoroughly sensible thing to do when her friend had told her about it.

She could feel Bull’s laughter through his chest. “Pretty much, but hopefully a bit more pleasant. Hopefully.” He smiled down at her and she chuckled at the understatement.

“And with fewer legs involved one might hope.” She added with a tentative smile. Bull raised the eyebrow of his good eye at her. “Now that can be a topic up for debate at a later point.” 

Amara felt herself blush slightly. “What I want and what I need huh?”

Bull was back to being serious. “Sometimes they are the same. Sometimes they are not. Let’s start simple: What do you want right now?”

His question caught her off guard. For a moment she was tempted to say ‘nothing’ just to see how he would react. But he expected an honest answer of her. “Right now? I kind of want to make some really inappropriate jokes that will get you to either leave or throw me onto the next bed and have your way with me.”

He looked at her rather amused. “Is that all?” Amara almost squirmed under his look. “There is something else you want.” It wasn’t a question. Bull waited for her to gather enough courage to let him see behind the flirtatious mask she slipped on all too easily when it came to matters of her heart. 

“I…” She wasn’t sure how saying something so simple could be so hard. “The other thing is kind of embarrassing. I don’t know how to…” She let out a frustrated sigh.

“Hey, there is no judgement here.” He made sure she was looking at him again before he continued. “I am not going to think any less of you, whatever you may say. Just ask.”

He was asking him to trust her and she almost felt a bit embarrassed about having been afraid of his reaction. Other people she knew would perhaps have laughed at her. But he wouldn’t, she was sure of it. “ “I just… want to keep doing this. You holding me, the talking, with no expectations for the rest of the night.”

When he looked at her she could only see warmth and fondness in his eyes. “And what do you think you need more?” He asked.

Amara was sure he knew her answer already but she felt like she owed it to herself to actually say it. “The second one…” 

He just held her a little closer and resumed slowly stroking her back underneath the sheet. “Than that’s what we’ll do.”

“Just like that?” She asked carefully as if she was still expecting a catch.

Bull just kept her close in his arms. “Just like that.” 

And ‘just like that’ she spent her first night in over a decade just being held close by someone dear to her. The dreams came again like they did every night. She didn’t really expected them to be chased away by the mere presence of someone next to her. But this time when the dream took her back to the lake she could finally breathe.


	6. But your blade, it might be too sharp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You look healthy and not half dead!” She proclaimed in her usual direct way. Her eyes narrowed at Amara. “What happened while I was gone?”

Amara couldn’t even remember when the last time she had been this relaxed and well rested had been. Over the past few weeks she and Bull had worked out a system. Slowly working out their relationship, feeling each other out and settling into something that worked for both of them. Amara had never been in a relationship where the setting of boundaries for it had been this carefully planned and methodical but she found that it suited her perfectly. The more logical approach combined with Bull’s complete absence of any concept of shame made her feel safer than she had felt in a long time.

She knew it took everyone else in Skyhold by surprise when she started showing up on time for meetings. Her adviser’s comical expressions when she had been at the War Table before even Josephine one morning had made her smile all day. What made her smile even more this day was seeing Sera return. The other elf had been away on Red Jenny business for the better half of the month now and Amara had missed her dearly. She had hoped that Sera would be back before she herself had to leave for Crestwood to meet with Hawke’s warden contact. When she got word that Sera’s party had returned she excused herself from Josephine’s travel planning meeting in a heartbeat, ignoring the disapproving looks the got. Being more responsible could happen in small steps for all she cared.

When she entered the room on the upper level of the tavern Sera was nowhere to be found. She was just debating with herself weather to wait here for her or leave when the door burst open with a bang.

“Tadwinks!” Sera seemed just as enthusiastic to see her as Amara was. Like a whirlwind she was on her, kissing her deeply. Amara nearly lost her balance but Sera clung to her tightly, determined to not let her fall and ruin their first kiss in weeks. When she had to come up for air Amara was greeted by en exited glint in her girlfriend’s eyes.

“Listen!” Sera nearly shouted at her. “I got you a hat, but it’s ugly, so I drew Coryphe-Whatits’ face on it and stuffed it with apples. Everyone is hitting it with sticks!” Sera made a little jump at that and happily laughed. “I really hope you like it!” She pressed another kiss to Amara’s lips and with a giggle she skipped out of the room as fast as she had come into it.

Amara watched her leave, stunned to the spot. Not exactly sure what had just happened. “We’re giving gifts now?” She wondered out loud to no one but herself and the empty room. She would have to think of something to give for Sera then. Her mind was blissfully blank at the moment but she could put some thought into that on the road perhaps. Just as she was able to move again Sera slowly stepped back into the room.

“You look healthy and not half dead!” She proclaimed in her usual direct way. Her eyes narrowed at Amara. “What happened while I was gone?” Before Amara could answer that Sera went on. “Did Bull figure something out? He said he would. Dorian didn’t believe him but I said that if he says it than he will.” She nodded emphatically as someone had just proven her point for her. Amara was at a loss for words. She had trouble keeping up with Sera on her best days. The other woman’s mind simply went too fast for her to follow sometimes. “What?” Was all she could get out. 

Sera rolled her eyes. “I know, right? Dorian should know better!” She flipped down on the windowsill and pulled two apples out of her pocket. She offered one to Amara who could only shake her head. “So what happened? You in a relationship yet? Or in the free and breezy part?” 

Out of all the conversations Amara imagined herself having in her life this one felt like the most confusing to her so far. In front of her Sera was heartily biting into one of the apples and waiting for her to say something. Sera had been away since before the whole thing with Bull had even started so naturally a question came up first. 

“You knew there would be something happening? Before it even did?” She asked. The confusion clearly audible in her voice.

Sera looked at her like she was particularly slow. “You are not serious right?” She asked. “Dorian and I had a bet going on.”

There was something so very Sera about that statement that it had a surprisingly calming effect on Amara. She sat down next to Sera and took the other apple after all. “Alright, let me tell you my version of how this happened, no doubt you will hear outrageous rumours first otherwise.” She proclaimed a bit over dramatically and Sera giggled as they snuggled closer together and Amara told her all about the past few weeks in the glimmer of the late afternoon sun.  
When it was time for Amara to leave to get the last travelling things into order for the next day both women unwrapped themselves from each other only very reluctantly. A single afternoon in weeks was not enough. It never would be. They both knew it would have to be like this from time to time. It did not make it any easier.

“Tadwinks?” Sera asked unusually quiet. 

Amara was already half way through the door when she turned back to her. “Yes?” It wasn’t often that Sera seemed hesitant to say something out loud. Amara looked at her questioningly. “What is it?”

“He makes you sleep?” The way Sera said it it only half sounded like a question. “I mean, you can sleep in your room now, you don’t go looking for hidden places?” 

Amara nodded, with a lump in her throat. She hadn’t been sure if Sera knew what she was doing but it didn’t surprise her that the other woman did. “Yes,” She admitted with a soft smile. “I sleep better than I have for years.” 

“Good!” Sera smiled back at her. “I am really glad about that.” Something in Sera’s eyes gave her pause but it was gone as quickly as it showed up and Amara was at a loss about what it meant. She hugged her again and gave her a goodbye kiss before she left the tavern. When she was walking outside, just underneath Sera’s room she could see her still sitting in the window. 

“Hey Sera!” She yelled up impulsively and hoped no one around was actually trying to sleep already. 

Sera’s head popped out of the window. “Yeah?”

“Tell me you won that bet with Dorian please!” Amara couldn’t see very well in the dim light and over this distance but she imagined a wide smile on Sera’s face.

“You bet your ass I did!” Sera yelled back and the laughter in her voice rang though the night.


	7. I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I swear Varric, if this ends up in one of your books I am going to murder someone!”

“You know Blue, you should really talk to Sera.” Varric noted in between bites. “She looks a bit down lately.” 

Amara sighed and slumped a bit more into her chair. “I know, I know!” She put the piece of bread down again. “I’ve been trying to since we came back but I don’t know what to say.” She admitted. “I though the idea with the gift would help but I haven’t figured anything out yet.” She let out a frustrated noise. “I must have talked to nearly every person in Skyhold and so far Vivenne’s suggestion was the only good idea.”

Bull gave her a calculated look. “Was that the suggestion that you should…”

“Yes, that one!” Amara interrupted him quickly. She felt her ears grow warm again. One day she would have to get a grip on her continuous blushing. 

Varric gave them a confused look. “Do I even want to know?” 

She just sighed an turned back to her food, letting Bull regale the story of Vivienne’s not so kindly phrased but oh so helpful suggestion. Half a minute later Varric had tears in his eyes from trying to suppress his laughter.

“I swear Varric, if this ends up in one of your books I am going to murder someone!” Amara warned him with a stern voice. Varric seemed largely unbothered by her tone.

“Oh come on Blue, this is prime material for Swords & Shields,” he teased her.

A look of horror was on Amara’s face. “I don’t really think Cassandra wants to read detailed stories about my love life!” 

“The Seeker? No. Other’s might want to though.” Bull enjoyed making unhelpful comments far too much for her taste.

Varric was still chuckling. “Don’t worry, I’ll change the names.” He promised. “Just think about how well this will sell: A daring, romantic love triangle, miscommunication, a dramatic background setting, scandalously improper use of knives…”

Amara gave him a look that could have turned milk sour. “Technically it’s not a love triangle, it is more like a V.” She clarified. “And please don’t ever write this or I will have to forget that we are friends and that would really suck given that I enjoy our game nights a lot.” She tried to get back to her food when Bull nearly made her choke on the next bite.

“You know boss, I think you should do Vivienne’s thing.” He had a wide grin on his face but he seemed completely serious none the less. “Do it, show it to her, and then you can talk later. Much later.” 

Next to her Varric was laughing again and Amara desperately gulped down some water to dislodge the piece of bread stuck in her throat. She still felt flustered when she finally could breathe and talk again. She was just going to protest when it occurred to her that it may actually not be the worst idea.

“You know, perhaps I will.” She conceded. “I asked so many people and I didn’t really get a better idea.” She thought back about what her friends had said. None of them had been particularly helpful, including the ones now sitting next to her. 

“Well, whom did you actually ask?” Varric asked, his curiosity piqued. 

“Cassandra, Dorian, Cole, you two, Blackwall, Vivienne and Solas - though that turned out to be a disaster to be honest.” Amara winced recalling that particularly uncomfortable conversation. “He actually yelled at me. I haven’t spoken to him since.” She admitted. 

Varric gave her a look full of sympathy. “You know, if it helps I don’t think you actually have to give her anything. She is not really expecting a gift from you. Just talk to her.”

Amara felt the urge to pull at her own hair. “I would if I knew where to start. I don’t even know what the problem is. Or even if there is one!” She admitted. Sera had not been all that different. But there were moments where Amara felt like she was pulling back from her, only to come back in full force the next day. She wasn’t sure if something was wrong, something that Sera obviously didn’t want to mention or if this was just how the other elf was. They had been together for a while now but Amara had to admit that perhaps she didn’t know Sera as well as she thought she did. 

“Oh there is definitely a problem.” Bull confirmed her worries. “It’s obvious.” 

Amara looked at him questioningly. She was half glad and half annoyed that he usually noticed so much more about people than she did. Glad because he tended to share that knowledge with her freely. Annoyed at herself for not being able to see things right in front of her sometimes. 

Varric had finished his plate and was getting up next to them. “Well, as fun and inspiring as this has been, I have places to be. Books to write, you know…” He winked at Amara who pointedly ignored him. With a laugh and a goodbye to Bull Varric left them alone in the corner in which they were sitting.

Amara was just going to ask Bull about what he thought the problem was when he beat her to it. “Want me to tell you what I think is going on?” He asked carefully.

She could only nod hopefully. “Yes please!” She took another bite from her bread that had been lying on her plate abandoned for far too long. She could see he was choosing his words carefully when he spoke. 

“It’s our relationship.” He began. “It poses a problem for her.” He probably wanted to say more but Amara interrupted him, mouth still half full.

“That can’t be, it doesn’t!” she managed to get out, having difficulties swallowing the rest of her bread, this time without choking on it. “Sera and I talked about that ages ago, she is not a jealous person at all.” There weren’t many things Amara was certain about but Sera’s full acceptance of her other relationship was one of those things.

“Not what I meant,” Bull said. “And yes it does.” He insisted. When Amara tried to speak again he took another slice of bread and popped it into her mouth. “Listen to me first please.” He insisted and Amara nodded, bread still hanging half way out of her mouth. She tried to say something in the vicinity of “Go on” but it only came out muffled.

Bull seemed to understand her anyways. “Look it is not that she is jealous. She isn’t.” He assured her. “She is sad.”

Amara’s eyes widened. Sad? Why would Sera be sad? She gestured at Bull to go on.

“You two have been together for a while, and then she comes back from a trip and you and I have started our thing. And she sees the positive effect it has on you.” He explained carefully to her but Amara still didn’t understand what he was getting to.

“And that makes her sad?” She interrupted him again. It made no sense to her. Bull looked at her with a glint in his eye.

“If you don’t let me finish I am going to gag you.” He teased and Amara shuddered slightly.

“You are welcome to try.” She smirked at him with the same mischief in her eyes. 

Bull grinned at her. “Is that a challenge?” He leaned back and took a sip of his drink. 

“Definitely, but for later perhaps. You’re right, please finish and I will shut up now.” As much as she was in the mood for a distraction she needed some answers first.

Bull went back to being more serious as he put his drink down again. “She isn’t sad about you feeling better. She is sad because she feels she isn’t the one making you feel this way.”

Amara was floored. In her head she knew that what he said made a certain amount of sense. But her heart was protesting violently. “But she is!” She exclaimed. “Maybe not in the exact way you are but she is.” She suddenly felt very stupid. Here she was, going on about her life from day to day and never even having considered how the things that were a given to her might look to someone else.

She remembered that evening where Sera asked about her being able to finally sleep right and a sudden understanding flashed through her. “Oh crap, she thinks I am way more serious about you than I am about her right?” It was more of a rhetorical question but Bull nodded anyways. 

“Shit Bull, that is not how it is! I love her!” Amara felt almost a bit weird saying those words out loud. She usually avoided any mention of her own feelings so well that the sentences even sounded weird in her head sometimes. But not this time. “I am abso-fucking-lutely crazy about her.” It felt like the most natural thing to say somehow. Bull was looking at her fondly as if he had been waiting for her to come to that conclusion. 

“Shit,” She cursed. “Bull, how do I fix this?” She was doing so much better than a few weeks ago but this amount of emotions was almost too much to handle for her.

“Well, I am no expert at that but have you ever told her how you feel?” Bull was back to his teasing tone, trying to get her out of her overwhelmed state of mind. 

Amara felt like she wanted to smack her own head against the table. She certainly felt like she deserved it. “No, I haven’t…” Bull just smiled as he ordered them another round of drinks. Amara was probably going to need it. 

“Then that’s probably a good way to start.”


	8. Yeah I may snap and I move fast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You could say he ‘showed her the ropes’ if you get what I mean!” She had the usual satisfied look on her face she made when she was really proud of one of he jokes.
> 
> “My dear, I think everyone got what you meant, even if some of us would have rather not.”

Sera actually whistled at her when she met up with them at the main gate. Dorian and Vivienne seemed not entirely sure what they were even looking at.

“What an unusual, yet on you oddly charming looking attire.” Amara knew Vivienne well enough to accept this as the compliment that it was meant to be. 

“Isn’t it nice? It’s what some Qunari wear apparently. Bull got it for me.” She explained happily.

“Did he now?” Dorian mused. “I am sure with absolutely no selfish motivations behind it.” His smirk towards her let her know where his mind went immediately.

“Well,” she looked at him with a wide grin, “it certainly has several uses.”

Vivienne coughed politely. “My dear, while it is certainly very becoming on you, I can’t help but notice that it might not be entirely practical?”

Amara chuckled. “You’re right. But I look rather good in it, don’t I? And I would say it is about as practical travelling through the hinterlands as, oh I don’t know, a brocade and silk coat perhaps?” 

Vivienne let out a rare and hearty laugh. “Very well, I can not disagree there.”

“Sometimes looking good feels better than being practical.” Amara concluded.

“Indeed. And it gives you a different sort of strength and power.” It was moments like these where she and Vivienne, despite all their differences felt like genuine friends. 

“What I wanna know,” Sera was poking at some of the knots on Amara’s arm, “is how complicated is this thing to put on really?” Dorian, who had just been inspecting the complicated pattern on her back seemed to agree. “This does look rather complex.”

Amara hoped that she wasn’t blushing as much as it felt like. “Well, it is. Bull helped me put it on.” She admitted. 

Raised eyebrows around her were accompanied by knowing grins. “Given that you came out of your room dressed like this I’d say good for you!” Dorian winked at her.

Sera slapped her on the back enthusiastically. “Ha, I knew it! Knots! Krem owes me a whole keg of ale!”

Vivienne didn’t say anything but she didn’t look like she disapproved and that was enough to set Amara at ease. Dorian shook his head in quiet laughter next to her and Amara looked at him in confusion.

“What?” She asked. “Why is this funny?”

“Oh no, it’s not that,” with a raised hand Dorian appeased her. “It is just… trust the Iron Bull to give you a piece of clothing that is about 30% cloth and 70% made out of rope and knots.” 

Amara’s blush deepened. Vivienne rolled her eyes but she was certainly hiding the beginning of a smirk while Sera just broke out in loud laughter. 

“Oh Andraste’s tits he did, didn’t he? And he helped you put it on…” She elbowed Dorian in the side in her excitement. “You could say he ‘showed her the ropes’ if you get what I mean!” She had the usual satisfied look on her face she made when she was really proud of one of he jokes.

“My dear, I think everyone got what you meant, even if some of us would have rather not.”

Amara couldn’t help but secretly agree with Vivienne. As confident as she usually was in her relationships and her openness about literally anything related to the bedroom, Dorian’s remark had managed to make her blush faintly. Something about this felt oddly personal. Not in a negative way but definitely in a way she had not considered before. As much as she was at ease about everything physical in her relationship she couldn’t help but still feel uneasy about the more emotional sides. And while she had been certain in the beginning that what they were doing was nothing more than friends with benefits it had stopped feeling like that was all that it was a while ago already. 

When they met up with the rest of their party they left for their supply trip to Redcliffe. It was a sunny day and everyone seemed to be in great spirits. Much to Amara’s disadvantage it would seem. She had almost forgotten about the earlier teasing when Dorian up walked next to her. 

“So, Inquisitor. Must be nice to get to go on a field trip after being all tied up in your responsibilities lately, huh?” His face was the very picture of innocence as he smiled his usual winning smile at her. She heard a soft snickering somewhere behind her but she chose to ignore it. 

“You’ll make her blush Dorian,” Sera piped in. “Don’t put her in a bind here!” The last few words were half mumbled because she was snorting through them already tried to knock Varric into his side with her elbow. 

“Oh please,” Varric shook his head. “Do you really need to rope me into this as well?” He rolled his eyes but there was definitely a wink towards Sera going on. Who in turn started chuckling.

“Who knows, if we keep this up long enough there might be some punishment in the future.”

Amara’s face was bright red by now and she was still deliberating if she should say something when Vivienne gave her a sympathetic look. “Darling, I am sorry to say this but this was definitely bound to happen.” For a second Amara just looked at her in shock. Even Vivienne? But the mage’s face gave nothing away. Not even the hint of a smile except for a rather devious sparkle in her eyes and Amara groaned. She had had enough trouble in keeping her thoughts on the road and not constantly thinking back on just how exactly she had spent the morning. Saying that Bull had helped her put it on had definitely been the very abridged version of what happened. 

Cole’s voice suddenly came from behind her. “She almost says the word sometimes. Katoh. She tastes it in her mouth, sweet release a breath away, tongue tying it tenderly like you tie her. But she doesn't. For you, and for her because it makes it mean more. A fuller feeling, a brighter burst.”

Bull seemed to take pity on her. “Yeah.” He coughed and turned towards Cole. “Maybe think how she feels about you saying this in front of everybody?”

Cole didn’t have an immediate answer but Amara cleared her throat. “Bull and I are consenting adults, and there's nothing wrong with what we choose to do in bed.” She stated and hoped that this would be it. Naturally everyone around her had other plans.

“Not just in bed. Sometimes it's up against the wall. Once on the war table.” Cole noted with a sense of wonder and Amara suddenly felt the wish to walk into an ambush. Surely nothing could be actually worse than this!

Sera was almost breaking down with laughter by now. “Hope you took her right up the Dales.” She almost howled while slapping Bull on the back.

Amara groaned again. She felt like she would just have to learn to live with her seemingly now permanent new red skin colour. “If a rift opened up right now and swallowed me I'd be absolutely fine with that.” She didn’t think she had ever been this embarrassed by something. And again she found she was wrong when Solas decided to join in. 

“Provided it tied you down first one assumed.” There was an unusual amount of mirth in his tone and Amara snapped. 

“Corypheus!” Amara started yelling. “Where the fuck are you?I I am ready to end this right now!”


	9. There Were So Many Red Flags

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Varric nodded. “Your turn Blue,” and Amara had to think for a moment. 
> 
> “Hm, it seems I have told all my more amusing stories already.” Suddenly she had an idea. “How about something different?”

“Is it my time to tell a story again?” Amara looked up from her cards. It was Wicked Grace night again, the game night having become something of a semi regular thing among them. Everyone who wasn’t on some mission outside of Skyhold was usually there and for an evening filled with cards, stories and plenty of ale everyone relaxed and forgot about the looming threat above them for a while.

Varric nodded. “Your turn Blue,” and Amara had to think for a moment. 

“Hm, it seems I have told all my more amusing stories already.” Suddenly she had an idea. “How about something different?”

“Your story Blue, you can tell whatever you like.” Varric winked at her as he sorted through the coins in front of them, absentmindedly arranging them by size and diameter. 

“Well, my story is a tale of my hometown.” Amara looked hesitant but everyone around the table seemed to want her to tell something as well. “I lived in Wycome. Working here and there, scraping by. Nothing fancy but it was home for a long time. Now, you all know about the great game in Orlais, right? There was this thing that was something similar. And different at the same time. It wasn’t as involved as the things we saw in Halamshiral, but I’d say the stakes were even higher. At least on a more personal basis.” 

She saw that she got everybody’s undivided attention now. “The thing you have to know about Wycome is: It is dull. At least for nobles. Everyday folk? Never a dull or slow day. But the nobility…” Josephine nodded emphatically. “Yes, I have heard of that.” She claimed. “The city lacks the importance for trade and the size that Kirkwall has and it doesn’t have anything like the rich cultural background of Starkhaven.” Amara nodded. “Exactly. The nobles in Wycome are VERY bored. Especially those coming over from Orlais who are used to different flairs. So they found their own way of making the game interesting to them.” 

“What did they do?” Dorian asked curiously.

“They played, of course. But with very different rules.” Amara said ominously. “Naturally it was all done in secret. But not behind closed doors. No, they were hiding their game within the game.” 

Josephine slid to the edge of her seat. “How exciting this sounds!” 

Amara smiled. “It was. Though not for everyone… They held a grand evening musicale in the Viscount’s keep every first evening of the fortnight. A Masquerade. There was dancing, music, artists and nobles mingling all night long. But that was only what was on the surface.” Everyone was listening, the cards being seemingly forgotten at the moment.

“As I said, there was a different game at play. And no one knew who all the players even were. But if you had money, you could buy your way in. You made a donation to the Viscount and then your name was being placed in a silver bowl. And to every night there was s very special guest invited.” 

At her words the Iron Bull raised his eyebrow. “I think I can see where this is going.” He said with a smirk and Amara shook her head with laughter. 

“Oh I think you are very wrong.” She mused. “Anyway, once your name was in the bowl there was no way to quit. The very special guest would enter the keep through a hidden back entrance and find an empty room that had nothing but the silver bowl with name in it. From it they got to draw a name. Now, additionally to the names there was the same amount of empty paper stripes in the bowl, to make it more interesting. So if the guest picked an empty one, they just put it back, threw the entire contents of the bowl into the fire and quietly left. But if they picked a name…” Amara deliberately paused. With her usual flair for the dramatic she looked around the table, slowly. Impatient eyes met her from every seat and she took pity on her captured audience.

“If they picked a name, that was their target for the night.” She leaned back with a sly smirk on her face as she saw her friends around her getting even more curious. 

“Their target? For what?” Blackwall asked with an eager voice.

“To kill.”

A collective gasp went through the group. “No way!” Josephine seemed horrified and excited at the same time. 

“It’s almost unbelievable…” Blackwall remarked with a shake of his head as Cullen scoffed.

“Oh I believe it in a heartbeat, some nobles I’ve seen would definitely be stupid enough for this.” He muttered.

“So the special guest was an assassin?” The Iron Bull asked and Amara nodded. Was it her imagination or was his tone just a little bit odd? She couldn’t tell as she went back to her story.

“The very best in the Free Marches they said. And no one knew what they looked like. The beauty of the Masquerade and this strange Orlesian fashion that seems to almost distort the body in it’s extravagance most of the time. And every night they played there was a new silver bowl. The nobles only knew that there ‘might’ be someone who could be coming for one of them. The thrill of their night was trying to find an assassin who may or may not be there. Of whom they may or may not be the target of.” Amara managed to swallow her own distaste for this kind of amusement and kept smiling.

Blackwall seemed to be at a loss. “So people actually died during this?”

“Oh yes,” Amara nodded. “Quite frequently. There were many players. Some nights nothing happened at all of course and that made it even more daring and compelling to many.”

Varric, who had been silent for a while now butted in. “I think I have heard rumours about this all the way over in Kirkwall.” He seemed to try to remember something. “Didn’t the assassin have a signature move?”

“They did,” Amara admitted. She guessed she shouldn’t be surprised that Varric, of all people, had heard about this. “Each time the deed was tone and they had ended their victims life, singing could be heard through the keep. By the time people had followed the sound and found the body the assassin was long gone of course. But that was how everyone knew the game had ended for the night.” Around her she saw some of her friends shudder.

“That must have been unsettling, hearing the song I mean.” Josephine sounded a bit shaken.

“On the contrary!” Amara sad in a quiet voice. “If you heard the song it meant you were still alive. You survived another round of the game. ‘May you hear the bird sing’ became a saying of wishing someone well among the high born.”

Varric nodded. “From what I’ve been told it was a voice that could make the wildest warrior weep.”

Amara was chuckling. “Perhaps they were rather weeping out of joy about not being dead.” She suggested but Varric didn’t budge.

“Not from what I've been told. I also heard that the assassin stopped one day. Simply vanished. And he was never caught.”

“She.” Amara corrected him. “They say the assassin was a woman. And no one knows what happened to her.” She made a point of not looking directly at Bull now. She could feel him watch her with an intensity that used to be unsettling. Nowadays it almost felt freeing in a way.

Varric seemed to be back in full storytelling mode. “Maybe she lost interest.” He speculated. “Or maybe she got a better offer somewhere else. This went on for a long time, years I have heard. She killed about 50 people at those gatherings alone?”

“Perhaps she simply lost the taste for blood.” Amara suggested.

“Maybe,” Varric agreed reluctantly. “That wouldn’t be a good end to the story though.”

She smiled at that and chuckled lightly. “No, I guess it would not. It remains a mystery. She hasn’t been heard of for many years. But the nobles that played probably still remember. They called her ‘The Songbird of Wycome’.”

Josephine’s eyes were bright as she clapped her hands together in applause. “Oh, this story was possibly scandalous!” She smiled almost shyly at Amara before that smile turned into a devious grin. “Tell it again!”

Everyone at the table had a hearty laugh at her eagerness. 

“You know, Blue, I might have to put this into one of my books. It is simply too compelling to not write about so much intrigue.”

Amara just shrugged. “Be my guest, it’s not like I am ever going to write a book about stuff. Might as well let you have all the juicy bits.” With a grin she picked up her cards. “So Josie, you’re going to deal us in again or not?”

With another round of ale they went back to their game. Playing for hours until the night had almost turned into early morning again one one by one her friends were leaving the table and off to their beds. The tavern was almost empty by now. The only noises coming from the almost burnt down fire place and Cabot somewhere at the far side of the room cleaning away the rest of the bottles. She and Bull were the only ones left. They sat together, Amara leaning into his side, just enjoying the few rare moments of quiet when Bull spoke softly.

“So, which reason was it?” He asked and Amara’s thoughts were ripped away from the calming nothingness she had felt while watching the embers glow.

“Which reason was what?”

“The song.” Bull explained. “Why DID the bird sing?”

Amara considered simply pretending that she had no idea why he would even ask her that but she felt stupid for even thinking about it. There were no lies between them. Silences? Yes. But never lies. She knew he would drop it if she didn’t give him an answer. But perhaps it was time that she gave him something. 

“There were many theories.” She admitted. “Some said someone else told her to sing, others said it was simply a habit. There were those who said it was the sign of madness in her mind and some wondered if she had simply developed a cruel kind of enjoyment for her art.” She didn’t look up to him as she spoke. “If you ask me, it was a little bit off each.”

He was silent next to her and Amara felt her heart sink a bit. She could have lied or simply been smarter earlier and tell a different story. She wasn’t even sure what compelled her to tell this particular one. That out of all her friends Bull would be the one to see through everything was something she should have anticipated. And perhaps she even did. Perhaps she had told it exactly for this reason. He had called her on it and it was her decision now to sink or swim.

“I don’t sing anymore.” She said very quietly.

“I heard you sing.” At his word her head shot up in alarm. “In the winter palace when we took down the Duchess,” he explained. "You were singing this melody I haven't heard before under your breath as you slit her throat.”

A wave of shame flowed over her as Amara realised that he was right. And that she hadn’t even noticed. “I guess old habits really do die hard.” She sighed. She missed it sometimes. Not the murder parts. The plain and simple joy of singing a song. When she had left her old life behind she found that she had left some of her voice behind as well. "I used to love singing," She admitted quietly. "Actual singing I mean." Wistfulness clung to her every word. "Somehow songs seem lo loose their ability to bring you joy once you realise that even your voice is drenched in blood."

As if he could sense exactly just how much of herself she had put out there in front of them, just how much she trusted him, he wrapped an arm around her, comforting her. “It’s alright.” Softly he caressed her hair as if to soothe her. “You know I don’t think any less of you?”

Amara nodded softly. Surprised by how much she felt like she had already known the wouldn’t. It felt good to hear it nonetheless. She closed her eyes and simply enjoyed his closeness and the feeling of acceptance that came with his touch.

“But just to make one thing clear,” she could feel his chest rumble with quiet laughter, “if you start singing lullabies at night I am going to defend myself!”


	10. Oh, why can I not conquer love?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sera looked at her apprehensively. “’s this one of those talks where you tell me you're very busy and shite and have to pretend I’m all understanding?” She asked bluntly and all colour drained from Amara’s face.
> 
> “Fuck, no!” She exclaimed. How had she messed up so badly with one sentence already?

It had been almost impossible to find a few quiet moments together in the past week and Amara was more than nervous when Sera stepped into her room that evening. She had wanted to wait for a while, let them settle into a relaxed evening before she said anything but her mouth seemed to have other plans.

“I need to talk to you.” She blurted out the moment Sera had reached the top of the stairs up to her room. 

Sera looked at her apprehensively. “’s this one of those talks where you tell me you're very busy and shite and have to pretend I’m all understanding?” She asked bluntly and all colour drained from Amara’s face.

“Fuck, no!” She exclaimed. How had she messed up so badly with one sentence already? 

Meanwhile Sera seemed to be not overly concerned anymore. “Ok, good. ‘Cause that would have kinda sucked.” She admitted and crossed the room to give Amara a short and sweet kiss.

Amara was floored again by how easy Sera tended to make things sometimes. She took heart and tried to tell her what was on her mind. “I was just thinking, I mean, I realised I haven’t told you that I love you.” Direct, to the point. Varric would probably chew her out for not building up to the words rightly but Amara didn’t care.

“I love you too?” Sera looked at her with a big question mark on her face. “Ok, that sounded like I’m not sure. I do!” She insisted. “But I kind of didn’t expect to hear something like this from you.” Now it was Amara’s turn to look at her questioningly and Sera elaborated. “Don’t know but you seem… not sayin’ I don’t believe you but you don’t really seem the type?” 

Amara sighed. “I am not.” She admitted. “At least not in the way other people are.” 

Sera nodded in understanding. “Thought so. Nothin’ wrong with that though!” She insisted, as if she was trying to ensure her.

“I do love you though Sera!” Amara felt like she had to explain. ”It is just… For me it doesn’t feel different than how I love Varric for instance. Or Cassandra. Or Dorian. I love you and I want you in my life, permanently. But I want the same for most of my friends.”

Sera gave her a knowing look. “Yeah but you are not sleeping with all of them.”

“Not for lack of trying, have you seen the chest hair?” She winked. “Joking aside, I am sleeping with Bull too. And occasionally other people. But I understand that most people feel that…” Amara huffed awkwardly. “Look I know that not everyone sees things like I do. But I care about you alot and if this is a problem for you I would be willing to try…”

“Waitwaitwait, what was that?” Sera interrupted her almost impatiently, her hands on her hips, as she was staring Amara down. “Andraste’s ass, where is this even coming from? We’re good you and I, yeah?”

Amara was hesitant as she tried to explain. “It felt like you were not really all that happy sometimes and, well, Bull said I should talk to you, because it's important.” She could see that this explanation raised more questions than it gave answers. 

Sera raised her eyebrows. “Wait, what did he say to you exactly?”

“Only that you need something from me and I don’t know what you want unless I ask you.” She was fidgeting by now. This was not going at all like she had planned. Her head shot up in surprise as Sera suddenly started laughing.

“And you take ‘make a choice and become monogamous” from THAT?” Sera could barely keep herself upright with how much the laughter was shaking through her. “Ah, pish tadwinks! All I really need to know’s this: You care about me? You want to be with me?” 

Her laughter was ebbing down and Amara could see the honesty of her questions in her eyes. “I care about you. I care about you so much!” She hoped she could make her understand just what exactly Sera meant to her. “When I was a little girl I didn’t really have a normal family. I didn’t know my mother, and my father… well. And I tried very hard not to care. I spent a lifetime convincing myself it didn’t matter. But deep down I always knew… something was missing!” 

Amara felt almost raw. Being honest about her feelings was hard on her best days. Now, standing in front of Sera it felt surprisingly simple to just say what she wanted the other one to know. “But now, I am looking at you and at Bull, knowing I have everything I am ever going to need. And it’s because of you. Because you have become my family.”

For a moment Sera was quiet. Her eyes were shining as she looked at Amara. “You are ridiculous you know that, right?” She huffed, but her wide smile betrayed her rough tone.

Amara grinned at her. “You don’t like me telling you how much I care?” With a wink she stepped closer. 

Sera snorted loudly. “Oh I do! Feel free to tell me all the time.” 

Amara reached out for her, closing the gap between them. Her arms went around Sera’s waist and she felt the other woman’s hands starting to play with her hair. “Sera you are so beautiful.” Amara sighed. Their foreheads were touching and they were breathing the same air. “You are so kind and generous… You are so wonderfully weird!” Both of them chuckled. “Every day with you is an adventure! And I sometimes can’t believe how lucky I am to have you with me.” She could see that Sera was far more affected by her words than she tried to let on. 

For a moment neither of them said anything before Amara remembered the other thing. “You know, I really wanted to get you a gift.” 

Sera perked up at that. “A gift? For me?”

Amara nodded. “But I am afraid it turned out rather unspectacular. I mean, I tried to find something that would tell you how much you mean to me, right?” Sera just kept grinning at her, motioning her to go on. “And I really looked. I mean, I asked everyone we know but our friends? Surprisingly unhelpful!” 

Sera had frozen for a moment at her words. “You did what?” She asked, surprise written all over her face. “You went around the Inquisition and told ‘everyone’ about us?” Her eyes were wide with wonder.

“Why is that such a shock?” Amara wondered when she caught Sera’s expression and it clicked in her head. “Sera! I am not, nor have I ever been ashamed of being with you! Never!” She insisted. 

Sera’s shocked face had turned into a face full of glee and happiness. “Yeah but it’s one thing to kinda know about something and another have it rubbed into your face.” She was grinning widely. “I bet Vivienne must have puckered pinky-tight!” 

Amara couldn’t stifle her laughter. “Actually, Vivienne was the only one with a decent idea…” She said ominously.

Suddenly Sera was turning them around and with a slight push Amara found herself falling onto the bed. “Best. Gift. Ever!” Sera was still grinning as she almost pounced after her and then her lips were on her own and she felt like she was melting into the covers.

Sera was peppering her skin with small kisses as Amara wiggled around to work herself out of her shirt. With a final pull she got the offending garment off and threw it away as far as possible. She was about to do the same thing with Sera’s tunic when the other woman distracted her by closing her lips around one of her nipples. Amara moaned softly, her arms ruining up and down Sera’s back. 

“Clothes off.” She insisted and Sera dew back with a huge grin. “The Lady inquisitor is far to used to always getting her will, is she?” She teased and Amara grinned back. 

“Perhaps, but this is your will too I assume…” With quick movements she pulled Sera’s tunic over her head and let it join her shirt on the floor. She felt Sera’s hands grabbing onto her waistband and she lifted her hips slightly as her pants were being pulled down. A surprised gasp came from Sera as she settled between Amara’s legs.

For a moment Sera was quiet before she started giggling. “You are insane!” She claimed as she ran her hands up Amara’s thighs. “Completely bonkers!” 

“So you like it?” Amara teased, already feeling the urgency behind Sera’s movements as her fingers were almost reaching her most intimate place.

“I love it!” She insisted and suddenly paused. “Wait, THIS was Vivienne’s idea?” When Amara could only nod Sera broke down in giggles again. “Oh this is the best, now I am gonna have to send her a thank you gift!” She leaned forward and licked a long, teasing stripe over Amara’s core, holding her hips in place as she started shivering. “Hm, one of those frilly cakes with a cherry on top?” She mused. Amara moaned as Sera’s fingers gently parted her folds and her tongue started circling her most sensitive spot. 

Amara felt herself quickly winding up as she felt two fingers slide inside of her. Sera closed her lips around her and sucked lightly before she went back to licking her and Amara saw stars. Suddenly the sensation stopped and she felt the vibration of Sera’s voice against her. “Maybe not a frilly cake? What does say ‘thank you for making my girlfriend shave the words ‘Eat me’ into her private parts?” 

Amara groaned. She was so close already. “Send her a card for all I care just don’t stop.” She begged.

“A card, not a bad idea.” She said thoughtfully when Amara tried to get her to focus her attention back on her by wiggling around with need.

“Sera!”

Sera gave her playful salute. “On it!” She grinned and then her mouth was back and it didn’t take long for Amara to lose herself completely.

 

In the early morning hours Vivenne stopped in front of her desk, eyeing the small, very colourful thing standing on it carefully. It seemed like someone had tried to imitate the small cakes served in Halamshiral. In a very liberal way. There was every colour under the sun splashed on with sugary pastes and the whole thing looked altogether rather crude. A piece of paper was stuck on top of it and she carefully pulled it off and unfolded it. ‘Thank you for making my girlfriend shave dirty stuff into her privates!’ Was written in hasty handwriting. ‘P.s.: It’s citrus, cook said that’s your favourite.’

With an amused smile Vivienne put the piece of paper carefully into her desk, together with her other correspondence. She picked up the little cake. While it certainly wasn’t up to standard in Halamshiral it was obviously handmade by someone with enthusiasm. “Anytime my dear,” she said to no one as she took a bite and smiled.


End file.
